The first question that comes to mind when a spouse cheats is:
Why? A recent study by the University of Guelph in Ontario, Canada,
attempted to answer that question and found that the reasons behind
infidelity differ greatly between the sexes. For men, it’s
typically about the sex—the more sexually excitable they are, the
more likely they are to cheat. For women, it’s more about the level
of satisfaction in her relationship; if a woman is unhappy in her
marriage
, she’s 2.6
times more likely to cheat. Regardless of the reason, there’s one
thing that’s certain: infidelity is devastating. But there can be a
silver lining. “In many cases, it forces issues to the surface of a
relationship that would have never otherwise been dealt with,” says
Kevin Hansen, author of
Secret Regrets:
What if You Had a Second Chance? Read on to discover what
life lessons these five women gained through their personal
experiences with infidelity—and what you can learn from their
stories.
Discover 11 signs that he might be having an
affair.
“My husband was abusive.”
“From the day I married my husband, I knew it was a mistake,” says
50-year-old Elizabeth Smith.* “He was abusive, controlling and
expected me to quit my job to make a home for him.” A little over a
year into the marriage, she began having an affair with a man that
she worked with. “I had no illusions that I was in love, but it was
eye-opening to be with someone that made me feel good about myself,
made me laugh and respected me for who I was—not who he wanted me
to be,” she says. “The affair helped me find myself and proved to
me that I could live a life independent of my husband. It also gave
me the courage to ask for a divorce. Twenty-five years later, I’m
married to a wonderful man. We love making each other happy, and
never try to change who the other person is,” she says.
What You Can Learn: While the confidence gained
from the affair may have given her the spark she needed to get out
of a bad relationship, New York City psychologist Michael E.
Silverman, PhD, says if you’re in an abusive relationship,
deception isn’t the best way to deal with it. Get help first from a
trusted friend, family member
, therapist or
one of the numerous nationwide resources instead.
“We began to resent each other.”
When Vanessa Myers*, 28, married her husband six years ago, they
both couldn’t wait to have children, but after their wedding
day something
changed for her. “I started to really love my job, and kids didn’t
seem to fit into the picture,” she says. Her husband was hurt by
her change of heart, and began to resent her. “We started fighting
a lot, and I resented him for resenting me and we were just
constantly hurting each other,” she says. “One night I caught him
trying to slip off the condom and that was pretty much the end of
our sex life.” Ultimately, the lack of intimacy caused Vanessa to
cheat. “I met a guy online and we dated for about a year,” she
says. “It ended when my husband caught me.” Vanessa and her husband
agreed to seek therapy separately and together, and were able to
save their marriage. “The biggest lesson I learned was that if I
was unhappy in my marriage, my husband was only 50% to blame.
[Having] an affair gave me the courage to ask for what I wanted in
my marriage,” she says.
What You Can Learn: While
what her husband did may be shocking, the fact that there was
unaddressed anger in the relationship created fertile ground for an
affair, says Dr. Silverman. “Coupled with the lack of sexual
intimacy there was nothing left to hang a relationship on,” he says
Even though the affair helped Vanessa learn some valuable lessons
and the relationship was ultimately saved, Dr. Silverman stresses
the importance of open and honest communication in a relationship
as a way for a couple to stay connected—before one of the spouses
seeks comfort or intimacy outside of the marriage.
Discover 9 signs your marriage might be over.
“I was bored and unhappy.”
At 35-years-old, Barbara Gisborne was living the American dream.
She lived in Madison, Wisconsin, with her loving husband and two
children—but she was miserable. “My husband was a good man, but I
was bored inside and out,” she says. “In our community, I always
felt like a square peg trying to fit in a round hole.” That year,
she was in Chicago on business and met Bob, an Australian man, on
an elevator. “We had an instant connection. We exchanged numbers,
kept in touch, and I decided to fly out to Australia to see him and
get him out of my system,” she says. “Instead, I fell in love.” She
left everything she knew—her hometown, her husband, her job and her
country—to start her life over with Bob in Australia. “I became
strong, independent, confident and much worldlier,” she says. “That
was 25 years ago and now I can say that my affair was the turning
point in my life’s journey. Today, Bob and I are married, own a
winery in Australia, and have five children and 10 grandchildren
between us.”
What You Can Learn: Though
Barbara's story ended up with a "happily ever after,"
that's not always the case when it comes to infidelity, which
is why Dr. Silverman suggests looking inside yourself if you're
unhappy or bored with your relationship. “Healthy relationships
grow and evolve, and feeling bored is a symptom of relationship
stagnation. Rather than having an affair, increase the romance,
change habitual patterns within the relationship and communicate
more about your feelings and needs.” If you just need a change of
pace, try booking an exotic vacation with your husband or
girlfriends, or discuss moving to a new city and starting over.
“My husband was a workaholic.”
For 10 years, 49-year-old Barbara Singer created a life independent
of her husband because he was never around. “Gary was totally
consumed and exhausted by his work—there was nothing left for me,”
she says. “I was totally committed to my family
and gave it my
all, but knew in my heart that I certainly did not want this for
rest of my life.” One night, she met up with Tom, an acquaintance,
and ended up staying out all night with him. Within a few weeks of
meeting him, she ended her marriage, and two years later, she and
Tom were married. But within a month, he died of a heart attack.
“Meeting Tom was the best and worst thing that ever happened to me.
He came into my life and woke me up, showing me…that life is
precious and that at any given moment, it can all be taken away, so
if I have a dream or a goal, I better get moving on it,” she says.
What You Can Learn: “Barbara felt alone for many
years, and feeling disconnected from your partner is the genesis of
most of the affairs I see in my practice,” says Dr. Silverman. The
remedy? Speak up and begin a dialogue with your partner. Engaging
in open, honest communication about your needs with your husband is
the key to help a stalled marriage.
To find out more about Barbara’s story, go to LivingWithoutReservations.com.
“He was unfaithful first.”
Larie Norvell had only been married about a year when she found out
that her husband had cheated on her. “I was very angry, but I was
also very hurt, because I felt like I wasn’t enough for him—like
there was something I wasn’t doing for him as his wife, which is
why he felt the need to go outside of our marriage,” says the
33-year-old. That jumble of mixed emotions was the impetus for her
affair. “I cheated on him—mostly for revenge, but in retrospect it
was also because I wanted validation. I wanted to know that I was
still desirable to other men,” she says. Once her affair was
discovered, the couple separated for a few months—but then began to
seek counseling and were able to salvage their marriage.
What You Can Learn: Retribution is a common
feeling when someone has been betrayed, says Dr. Silverman. “Anger
can be quite powerful in clouding one’s judgment,” he says, which
is why he urges any couple dealing with infidelity to seek
counseling. Fortunately for Larie, her relationship endured the
double deception. “The biggest lesson we’ve learned through all the
struggles in 14 ½ years is that we are enough for each other,” she
says.
*Names have been changed to protect identity.
